but I'm tired now
Sunday, 16 April 2017
but I'm tired now
Tuesday, 11 April 2017
I've been gone for a long time. A semester long time. I just want to update that my second semester at UiTM is done, and I have a freaking 5 months holiday.
If I was to conclude semester 2 in one word it would be semi-shit. Well two words? Eh.
The shit part is because of all the stupid drama that happened and the last minute given assignments and lack of sleep and not focusing in class because I can't even stay awake without the class even starting. The subjects this semester are semi-hard. Well like I really like economic class. It was great. I really hated computer programming, that was mainly part of the semi-shit reason. I kinda eh, well, I'm like eh with accounting. And calculus, well I love the lecturer, he's an amazing lecturer and I wish him well in life but because of the lack of sleep, I slept most of the time in class and I feel really bad because test 1 I got a 29/30. Test 2 I got a 25/30 and test I got a flopping 13/30 because during that time period before the upcoming third test I had zero sleep and zero focus in class. Guess what, my final exam for calculus was worse than my test 3 so yeay padan muka siapa suruh tidoq dalam kelas.
Okay so the semi part of the semi-shit is that I've became closer with some people, made newer friends, had fun going on trips and eating. Fought HELLA A LOT with my roommates but still love them.
There are many that were concern for my "well-being" during class because I slept alot, like my eyes started twitching and I'm just a hot mess and they've never seen me like that, and I'm thankful to those who cared for me because they felt pity that I was busy with JPK stuffs juggling with cramped assignments. I love you guys. I really do. Thank you.
Well, I just hated sem 2 because of the shit part. I couldn't wait for the sem break to come any faster. RCS1432B deserve the 5 months break.
P.S Now that I'm on my break (hey, hey! *wink*) I'd be back to obsessive blogging.
Sunday, 5 February 2017
“Do you want me to take over?”
Sunday, 25 December 2016
Four weeks in Semester 2 and it's starting to really sink in. It's not like semester 1 where the subjects are just the things you learnt in highschool on rewind. Or everyday walking to class there's that excitement to learn and meet your friends and laugh along with your lecturer. It's getting real. The subjects are tougher, your friends are busier, I am getting tired, eating has became a second choice, you can't think properly, the rational thinking has become a problem solving.
Maybe I haven't managed myself well enough as I thought I did.
Maybe I am just full of complaints and ungratefulness.
And I don't want to fall back to when I was 16.
I promised myself to become a better person spiritually and emotionally.
I am here to learn so that I can give back to my parents, give an establishment to my family that I am not the black sheep. Being able to pay for things and money will never be a problem because there's a whole lot of other problems that can be the cause of my insanity. I want to be loved and fall in love but not get caught up by lies and fantasies.
I've said this too many times that I'm getting sick of it.
I want to be happy.
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
“Why are you really here Bear?” I asked. He shrugged. Something caught my attention as I got a better look at him. I leaned forward, my eyes frowning as I touched his face.
“Did something heroic” he said, as he took a drink from my cup. I shook my head as I placed my hand down. “You should stop with your list,” I said as I looked up into the night sky. “We got to to finish what we started” he said as he smirked.
“And what's wrong with me wanting you to be a part of my situation?” Bear tilted his head.
“So you enjoyed the view of me, just like I enjoyed my view of you” he smirked.
“Don't worry, my view is just you hypnotized into those silly rectangular objects with long ass boring words on them. The rest of the time, your curtains are drawn. What a shame” he joked. I punched him.
I got out and so did he. “See you tomorrow I guess?” I asked as I shut the door tight. Bear laughed, “and who said we were going back home?” he said, as he leaned against his car. I tilted my head, and looked around at our neighborhood. “We're at our houses, aren't we?” I was questioning his intentions.
Friday, 18 November 2016
Bear Brockman was not just a boy who fought against the rules; he was one. If I had to choose him over Aaron, I would, definitely. "I understand," he said. He looked over down to the ground, smiling as that was what he could do. "I'm not ready," I said, "to fall for a boy that could easily have his heart broken by a girl like me". He let go of a sigh, chuckling as he went.
"And that is the thing," Bear said as he turned his attention back at me.
"You break the heart of boys without even giving them the chance to fall in love first". I look at him, his eyes, the ones I loved since the first time, they were twinkling. He smiled, "You're an unaware heart breaker Polar Bear and I love it".
Hey! I have a second blog, Mango Vomit, I write silly poems and small random thoughts of words that doesn't have any means to relate to me.
This is still my main blog, I'm still writing *wink* *wink*
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
I can see that her wrinkles were getting more defined by the days, and that her eyes were filled with constant fear, and her heart was trying its best to stay controlled. I wished I could be that for her, but at the moment I was being selfish by giving her pain from the pain I was living through. I couldn't do that anymore, I didn't want to hurt another soul after I hurt Ethan.
And my eyes were getting dizzy following the rotation of the fan, his voice was getting lost in the darkness of my mind, and I'm trying to ensure that tomorrow everything will work out okay. That this Cassie was going to be fine, at least act fine. Untie herself from the hurt and move on. It's time to learn that it wasn't my fault, well that was what my mother said.
“I introduced myself wrongly. Allow me to start again” he said. He started to inhale.
“Timothy Levi; an asshole major, a mathematics minor” he exhaled.
I guess, by then, Timothy Levi saw the shock in my eyes instead. And I swore to God, I will never be absent for two weeks ever again.
Wednesday, 26 October 2016
Assalamualaikum and hai,
Like, I know, I've been gone for a couple of months like hey, I told you, the wifi there sucks. If it was hella fast I'd be blogging ever single day until your eyes burn from reading all the stupid things I post here. But hey, my blog, I can write whatever I want, right? Right.
So, news for you all, I just completed my semester 1 at UiTM Perlis and ahhhh so much as been happening in those 5 months. SO MANY STORIES TO TELL. Let me get this straight, matriculation, form six and uni is a whole lot different thing. We go through different pace in our academics, have different time schedules and have different environments but one thing for sure, we're all going through the same stage in life. So, by the title above, I'm going to share the tale off how I lived through my first ever semester out of five that is yet to come.
I've never been to boarding school (well, three months but it doesn't count), and I've gotten myself prepared ahead to be a university student by blog reading, online research (fancy huh), asking my seniors and overall having an open mind about it. Most form five students don't know where to go after SPM, unlike me, I've already set my tone to where I want to go and what I want to do. It's all in a rough sketch but overall I achieved what I wanted. I told myself in form four that I'd be going for diploma, but at that time it was Diploma in English/ Journalism but then as I go through form five I realized how english is fairly very boring and I'd like to pursue in culinary. But yet, my results weren't as bad and it's a waste to demolish a not-bad results to take on culinary so I decided take Diploma in Mathematical Sciences. Not, I'd bet some will go ooooh what a nerd, but no, the people I've seen in my batch that had taken this course looks nothing stereotypical to someone who enjoys maths. Well, some chose this as their first choice (like I did) while others got this as their second or third choice. But in the end, we all start from the bottom, it's how you rise to the top. I guess when you make a choice fully based on your own decision without your parents choosing it for you, you'll feel that satisfaction that you're in a path that you yourself chose and there's no one out there you have to please except yourself. So, kids, choose a course you're truly passionate about, not on a 50-50 scale, and if you didn't get what you want, then it's okay, have a open mind and everything will go by ease.
Like I said, I've never really fully been in a boarding school or been away from my family without feeling worried ever and I had these worries before going into uni about how I'd cope myself. The things that happened to me in highschool haunts me and I was determine it would never happen again when I'll be in uni. I went there, had an open heart, an open mind, changed my attitude, changed parts of me that were negative and had these goals, and rules I set to myself since I had no one else to look after me but myself. From the girl who would volunteer to just be a narrator at any given role play in highschool started acting all these random roles in uni. Before this I was pretty, well, too open, like I'd didn't mind who I'd talk to or who I'm being with as long I was in good shape but somehow, in uni, for me, there are certain things I feel uncomfortable like walking next to guy or doing things alone with guys. It feels so improper especially when my parents aren't here. I'd make sure I'd had company by my roommate, or I'd let them know and have their opinion. I don't know, I feel so selective when it comes to the opposite gender. It's not like I don't like them near me, it's just I want to keep my safety since I'm on my own. But, gosh I love all the girls in my class, and the seniors I've befriended and the other girls from other courses. They're so nice, and I feel loved, it's a family where we all have each other's back. Like yeah I can be okay-friends with the boys there, but you know, being best friends i don't know, I'm not that interested, it's traumatizing after the events that happened in highschool.
I think I slept more in uni than I did in highschool, mainly because I have nothing to do. I'm so bored that legit go and exercise around the college so that my mind won't go crazy out of boredom. Studying isn't something I do often, like well, I just study when I have a whole lot to do at once. I'm not bothered to study when I have nothing to do. It's like while my momentum of doing my tutorials, assignments, is still on, why not study at the same time? I'd never go, oh well, I have nothing to do, let's study. NO. I don't really lack behind because I'd pay attention in class and ask the lecturers on the things I don't understand. It's called balancing. In this semester, I've had things happening that I'd thought I'd never do like kawad kaki, role playing, being complemented by the lecturer to how I can become a news reporter, gotten harassed by a guy that I never spoke to and somehow he tried making it up by being nice all the sudden, gotten shout at by the workers at the KTM place both at Arau and Alor Setar, walked around Aman Central three times trying to find a non-existing karaoke place, constantly being named out by En Raja because I kept using the calculator to find the x value instead of using the 'real mathematicians' method, playing sword fight using hangers with my roommate, eating burgers and ice-cream almost every single night, tripped and fallen flat right infront of cengal 1 at same spot two days in a row, and so many more.
I've also gotten myself to be part of an organization in the college and it's a good sense of responsibility and discipline that I know will shape me to someone better. I've also learned a few words from Kelantan and Terengganu, I'm not that good, well I suck at it but at least it's a good laugh to those who hear me speak. I actually lost 5 kilos from doing nothing but sleeping, walking to class, and eating burgers almost every night. It's not easy to loose weight in uni when the food choices are restricted. I like my vegetables but I'm not going to eat terung sambal every single day. Going into class is fun, I love it. I love the lecturers, I love my classmates, both from group A and group B. I love the syllabus we learnt for this semester, except for CTU it's a bore. The final examination wasn't half bad, i think when you're in uni you learn how to learn and study independently without the help of teachers or tuition. It shows how we've grown and how our minds have matured. My carry marks are all good, I'm very grateful to Allah, my friends, my lecturers for helping me through the learning process. And it amazes me how I can learn without the need extra hand except your friends and the notes you got plus a guidance from your lecturer. KEY: ALWAYS SEEK GUIDANCE FROM YOUR LECTURER EVEN IF ITS A STUPID QUESTION. No questions are stupid, you just don't fully understand it that's all.
Overall, I loved this semester. Yes, there were their ups and downs, but mainly ups and I've never been the happiest. I've gotten myself new good habits which I'm proud off, I've gotten rid of bad ones, not all but some. Made friends that I know will have my back and the best thing of all, I haven't once got to a low moment that would break me. It's true what they say, university life is the best part of your life you'd ever have, high school is okay and all but nothing beats the life of a uni kid unless you yourself experience it. And I hope my next four semesters go as smoothly and better like this first semester.
I guess that's all, it's just my second day of sem break and I wish I'd be in semester 2 right now because the environment there makes me that happy.
Friday, 9 September 2016
I've been gone for sooo many months and I can't update at UiTM because their wifi sucks. There will be days in my room at the college I'd be sitting at the table, staring at this laptop screen thinking of new stories, things to write but what's left is an empty page.
I have been busy with uni, and it's great. And I love every single moment I've been there and I wished this semester could last a little longer because once this semester ends, another semester down left of pure happiness.
I truly believe, university life are one of the best parts of life you can ever have. And I am happy, and everybody around me are great and I love them to pieces. I think, here, I have found the best part of me, and it shows. It shows. I knew, that good days were waiting for me, after all the hell I went through for the past seventeen years.
For those out there, still in high school, hating every moment with all the bullshit coming at you, be patient, we go through pain first before we get the ease. Because if life was always easy, we'll never grow up.
I wish I could hug you right now, because this is the longest time I haven't cried on something not worth my time.
Saturday, 9 July 2016
“Since it's Kelly Hicks party, you do want to look your best. Common, Kelly Hicks, she has a standard and we got to play by her standards” then Amber pulled out a black chic jumpsuit and placed it against her, “what do you think?” she asked.
“No, the other one is denim, this one is satin like texture, but since the party is at night probably not the best choice. Hmm, maybe something flashier” Amber placed the jumpsuit back to its original place, her back was facing me, busy going through the rack and then she mumbled “Bianca, go ahead and search for something cute at the other side of the store”. I nodded, though I knew she wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I nodded, I went ahead and walked around the store.
“Oh come on, it'll take an hour before they find the right dress” Aaron said, and before I could decline, he grabbed onto my hand to follow him out from the store. Before I knew it, it was as if he was kidnapping me. Deep inside, I prayed he wasn't plotting a revenge on me after nights of rejections.
“What? We're sharing?” I questioned as I scooped a decent amount and shamelessly ate the delicious nutty green ice-cream. Aaron shook his head, then allowed both hands to support his head as he watched me scoop more and ate. I stopped after three scoops and pushed the pink cup towards him, “here you paid, eat some” I said. He pushed it back to me, and I, knew for sure that I wasn't dragged here to play some sort of flirtation game.
My whole body shivered. Goosebumps rosed from every inch of my arms, fine hairs stood up stiff. I felt nausea, I want ed to throw up all the green cream bought by the guy that made me feel most uncomfortable than any other person.
“Why do you abuse yourself so much by wearing all those rags? You look freaking amazing, God I'm so proud!” Amber hugged me, and I was shockingly surprised.
Amber walked in first, then I did, followed suit by Aaron. Kelly Hicks was at the door and she greeted us, “Have fun guys, the food is over there, drinks over at that side, knock and break something, pay double of it's original price. And I'm not kidding” and she was gone. Amber turned to me, she smiled, and as the music in the house was getting louder, people started filling in, Amber said she wanted to go meet some of her other friends, leaned in and whispered “if any emergency text me” and she left me with Aaron.