Sunday, 16 April 2017

//

It's a poem. Two poems to be exact; combined.


I feel my heart being restless
it needs sleep
but my eyes wont shut
wide awake
as if I took caffeine shots
and a dose of amphetamine
funny,
I don't drink coffee
or do drugs
but I'm a thug like that
say things that don't make sense
but it's 3 am
I guess I'm talking crazy
not as crazy as Harley Quinn though
maybe it's a side affect 
a restless heart can lead you to restless thoughts
It's 3 am, everyone's asleep

Emptiness is a real feeling
Emptiness is when you had everything
and one day you wake up to nothing
A life you lived with high hopes
and now it comes crashing down
dreams shredded into million bits of pieces
and it will take more than a lifetime
 to glue them back together

it's hopeless
it's useless
it's pointless

emptiness; it's a real feeling,
it's a void that hurts without visible pain.


but I'm tired now
and I think it's better
if I go to bed.

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Semester 2, done.

Assalamualaikum and hey,

I've been gone for a long time. A semester long time. I just want to update that my second semester at UiTM is done, and I have a freaking 5 months holiday.

If I was to conclude semester 2 in one word it would be semi-shit. Well two words? Eh.
The shit part is because of all the stupid drama that happened and the last minute given assignments and lack of sleep and not focusing in class because I can't even stay awake without the class even starting. The subjects this semester are semi-hard. Well like I really like economic class. It was great. I really hated computer programming, that was mainly part of the semi-shit reason. I kinda eh, well, I'm like eh with accounting. And calculus, well I love the lecturer, he's an amazing lecturer and I wish him well in life but because of the lack of sleep, I slept most of the time in class and I feel really bad because test 1 I got a 29/30. Test 2 I got a 25/30 and test  I got a flopping 13/30 because during that time period before the upcoming third test I had zero sleep and zero focus in class. Guess what, my final exam for calculus was worse than my test 3 so yeay padan muka siapa suruh tidoq dalam kelas.

Okay so the semi part of the semi-shit is that I've became closer with some people, made newer friends, had fun going on trips and eating. Fought HELLA A LOT with my roommates but still love them.

There are many that were concern for my "well-being" during class because I slept alot, like my eyes started twitching and I'm just a hot mess  and they've never seen me like that, and I'm thankful to those who cared for me because they felt pity that I was busy with JPK stuffs juggling with cramped assignments. I love you guys. I really do. Thank you.

Well, I just hated sem 2 because of the shit part. I couldn't wait for the sem break to come any faster. RCS1432B deserve the 5 months break.

Bye.

P.S Now that I'm on my break (hey, hey! *wink*) I'd be back to obsessive blogging.

Sunday, 5 February 2017

I Know You - Chapter 12




I felt a cold breeze kissing onto the apples of my cheeks, giving myself a slight chill throughout my whole body. My body tossed left to right, feeling uncomfortable by the minimal clothing I was wearing. The dress backfired my need for warmth. Somewhat it was cold in Bear's car. A while later, I felt warmth placed over my body, wrapped gently for me not to get startled from my sleep. I stopped tossing around, and I allowed myself to sleep for an extra hour.

An hour later, I proximately assumed, my eyes opened slightly to my left and I see Bear still driving, his eyes still onto the road. I looked down onto my chest, seeing his jacket over me. It was still dark, the morning hasn't come out yet. I looked onto my phone and I saw that we were on the road for over 7 hours now. I see Bear yawning, rubbing his eyes as he tried his best not to doze off. Bear noticed that I was awake, and handed me a water bottle. I took it and sat up straight. I hold onto it, I wasn't thirsty.

We're almost there, probably a couple of hours” he yawned, but kept a smile onto his face.
“Do you want me to take over?”
He raised his eyebrows, “You don't know where I'm taking you to”
I know that, but I can drive until we reach to a certain exit”
It's alright, you can just go back to sleep. You look adorable when you're knocked out with a little river flowing out”
I touched the corners of my mouth, he wasn't kidding, the drool was now dried up. I leaned back, and I notice a carton of cigarettes in the dashboard that wasn't shut tightly. Bear kept yawning, tears kept seeping out as he opened his mouth due to tiredness.
It's okay,” I said.
It's okay for what?” he asked as he looked over to me, then back to the road that had a few little cars.
If you want to smoke, it's okay. I understand if you need them to help you stay awake” I twisted the cap of the water bottle, managed to opened it, and took long sips.
You're asthmatic Bianca,” he said
So?”
I care for your health more than I do of mine” he continued to say, “so it's not okay for me to smoke.”

I leaned forward, opened up the dashboard and took out the carton along side with the lighter that was beside it. “What are you doing Bianca?” Bear lifted his eyebrows. I opened up the carton, I saw that it was a full pack, it was either newly purchased or that he haven't touched it. I took one cigarette out; it was my first time touching one, it was cold and soft. I placed them in between my mouth and took hold onto the lighter. Bear suddenly pulled aside, and pulled the hand break.

What on Earth are you doing?”

I flick the lighter using my left thumb and a flame was created. I placed the flame to the tip of the cigarette and inhaled. After three puffs, I exhaled, along side with coughing. I continued to cough, as I continued to smoke. It was disgusting, the heat that filled my throat, my lungs felt like burning and the bitter taste that lingered down my throat made me gag, I never liked coffee; I don't see how I would like this. Bear took the cigarette out of my hands and throw it out of the window. I wouldn't stop coughing, and I felt queasy. My chest was getting tighter, and I was out of breath. Bear started to panic, he turned his body to the back seat and reached out my duffel. He brought it to the front and unzipped it. He started rummaging through my clothes, my underwear and everything I never showed to a boy before. He finally found my inhaler and took it out. He started to shake it and uncapped it. He placed them into my mouth and pressed the chamber. One puff, my lungs were still stuffed. I signal him to press the chamber once more, and he did. My lungs were cleared and I could breathe fine, by then I started to smile. Bear stared at me, his face was in utter shock as he was still holding onto my inhaler.

Why are you smiling?!” His tone was high pitched as he had the confused look onto his face.
You just literally committed suicide in front of me!”
I uh... I... I was being young and wild”
What the frick frack fuck?” He leaned into me and took the carton out of my hands alongside with the lighter and threw it out of the window.
Don't pull that shit onto me again, okay?” He pulled down the hand break.
Are you... mad at me?”
Yeah I'm mad, what do you think? I know I do outrageous things but for you? I love you-”
-what?”

Bear froze, bit his lips and started to drive again. “You don't need to do things like that,” he said.
But I wanted to”
Why?”
For the experience, not necessarily to be making it as a habit. Just for the thrills of things. Like you said, I don't know the definition of living life. We need to experience it all, don't you agree?”
I do, but please. I'll stop smoking if you don't do less smart things like that”
Not stupid things?
To come think of it, there's a lot of geniuses out there, high achievers that smoke cigarettes, cigars, weed and other crazy things. So it isn't stupid really, just a less smart of lifestyle choice. I guess, I'm in that category too.”
Well, I didn't realize you categorize yourself as a genius or a high achiever” I remarked.
Oh no, Bianca. I don't. I'm categorizing myself as making less smart choices in life. We all do. No choice is stupid, it's just out of ordinary for them to do so. That's why people say we make stupid choices but really in fact, nobody else have ever done them but the person who did it, so it is seen as stupid. Just like my list, nobody else have done such thing but me.”

But I think, the list isn't a less smart choice to do.”
Oh really, then what is it?”
a crazy one; and crazy can be good sometimes. You taught me that.”
Wow, never did I thought I could teach the smartest girl something”

I remembered the first time I was dragged into being part of this whole thing. I remembered I supposed to be doing my usual study routine, but instead I was blowing fireworks at a teachers' house. I felt that moment, my heart exploded just like the fireworks did. It was an unusual feeling, the thrill of doing something out of the ordinary, the sensation of not getting caught, being a partner in crime with someone I barely knew but that he was my neighbor.

A couple of hours later, Bear stopped driving. I looked out to see an old building. It was dark, tall and gloomy, and to be real with things; I was scared to why he was bringing us here. Bear unbuckled his seatbelt and got out. “Come on,” he said as he bent down, showing his face at me indicating me to get out. I got out, and the wind was harsh here than it was before. “Wear my jacket,” he said and I did. I place my arm into a sleeve of his jacket, brought it over to my back and slipped my other arm into the other sleeve. It was big, as expected; but it I felt warmer as soon as I zipped it up. Bear started walking ahead to the direction of the castle and I started trotting behind him as I didn't want to make the gap between us any less than a foot apart. Yes, I was that petrified.

“This place is abandon, but don't worry; ghosts don't bite” he said as he took his phone out and switched on the torchlight of his phone. We walked through an entrance that lead us to what I believed was a garden. It was still dark at the moment, but I heard the sounds of the waves that was coming from the other side of this building.

“Where are we?” I asked trying not to get high pitched as I stayed close to Bear as he lead the way to wherever it was.
“At a castle” he said, I looked around, the more I focused through the darkness, the more I realized the details and the settings of this place. Yes, it was a castle. And yes, I was still petrified. We walked onto a pathway that was nicely paved by rocks, Bear shone his torchlight onto the ground, suddenly he slowed downed his pace and so did I.

“Can you read what it says?” he said; there were carvings onto the ground, the writings were like chicken scratch but I could read it.
A bear was here and it was cool...?” I read out loud and then I turned my attention to him. He was smirking, “It was legit cool,” he said.
A bear was here?” I asked, he nodded. “Yup, came out from that side of the building, out of totally nowhere” he pointed to the east side of the castle.
And you were alone?”
Oh no, I was with my grandad. He literally chased it away with a stick , at least that was what I could remember”
And it was cool?”
Very,”
And hence where you got the nickname Bear?”
Exactly,”
Because, how old were you?
Nine,”
Because a nine year old boy saw a bear and found it cool?”
Man, do you always have to be right?”
I shrugged my shoulders, “It's what I do best, a curse actually”.


Bear lead me further into the castle, it was empty and dark. I felt there were things unknown staring at me from behind, so I stayed closer to him and I could hear his heavy breathing as he torchlight the walls. “Are you sure this place is safe?” my voice was trembling; Bear could sense it, I was getting out of breath. He pulled out my inhaler that he apparently kept into his pockets and hand it to me.

Relax,” he said. I sensed his smile underneath the darkness that was over shadowing this place.
We're almost there”

As we walked through the pathways and pass the years of untrimmed bushes, the faint sounds of waves started to get louder and louder as he lead the way. We came across to an entrance that was blocked by thick vines, branches and leaves. His eyes started to wander around the place, he was looking for something. Then he handed me the torchlight and I hold onto it as I shone it to the every move he made. He went to a wall that had a displayed ax near a webbed painting. He took it off and walked towards the entrance, swung the ax behind him and brought force forward as he axed the thick vines, continuously he did so until the sounds of the waves started to get louder and clearer. The sounds were now placed to an image, as what I saw was just the dark sky.

Bear dropped the ax down and he looked over at me. “Come on,” he said and he walked out. I followed suit and as I got closer to the entrance, my heart dropped to the ground. I saw waves meters below my feet crashing vigorously against the rocks of the cliff that the castle stood firmly on.

My body froze, no, Bianca you're not afraid of heights. A hand was extended and took hold of it. I gripped onto his hand for dear life as he slowly lead me way out of the entrance and around the narrow pathway that either could lead me to safety or down to my death.

We're going down,” he said softly,
Excuse me?!” I freaked out.
So watch your steps,”

He was still holding onto my hand as he we walked down the steep steps made out of rocks and centuries old cement. I shone the torchlight as we walked down, ever so slowly, I was risking death when my parents don't know where I am at the moment.

Final steps,” he said and we stepped foot onto sand.

Bear exhaled and he was smiling; I switched off the torchlight. He sat down onto on of the rocks and I sat on one that was three feet away from him. His eyes were closed as he breathed in the air.

I closed my eyes, my heart that was racing out of fright slowly slowed down to its normal rate. I breathed in the air. It smelled different from our hometown. It was clean. The waves crashing onto the rocks and onto the shore was like a meditation song. My mind was getting clearer, I was at ease.

Open your eyes,” Bear said and I did. Lights of oranges, red, and yellow blinded me. It was beautiful as it slowly rose from the beneath. I let the fresh rays hit my face, let it all sink in and I tell myself that I am really here, I am actually doing things.

Bear got up and walked towards me, then he sat down onto the sand beneath my legs. He then laid back against the rocks as I sat above. He took out his list and ticked one of the boxes. I didn't know what he ticked off, but we accomplished something off the list.

Jeremy?” I said, he looked up and smiled.

Usually, when people call me by my real name I get weirded out” he smirked.
Sorry,”
Oh no, I like it when you say it” he smiled and looked ahead at the waves.

Can I ask you something?”
Sure,” he said “anything you want,”

I bit my lower lips, I was risking myself and my pride to ask this. The wind was blowing harsher as it hit the high points of my face. I tugged in Bear's jacket in a little bit more tighter. I looked down at him, I'm sure he was cold. His hair was sweeping back and forth, and just from the back of his head I knew he was freezing. He turned his head and looked at me, and sure I was right. His lips were quavering and his nose was getting red. I bet he'd love a smoke at the moment, the fume up the insides of his. Make him feel warmer by the heat of the tobacco. “So, what is it?” he looked at me. I placed off his jacket and handed it back to him. He looked at me as I was extending my arm to give the jacket back. He then got up and sweep the sand off his trousers.

Scoot aside,” he said as he took the jacket. I moved a few inches to the side and he sat next to me. He took the jacket and placed one half of it over my shoulders. He got in closer to me and placed the other half over his shoulders. It wasa big jacket, there was a little extra room.

It was warmer, the heat of his body transferred to mine. Okay, maybe not as much, but I felt warmer and his lips stopped quavering. He looked at me, waiting for the question I wanted to ask.

What kind of a girl do you like?” I asked.

His eyes widened as both brows lifted. “I mean, in general” I stuttered. He smirked.

Well I don't know Bianca, it varies”
How so?”
It depends on how much I'm willing to give to her and how much she's willing to accept it. And I will do the same. It hurts when you give all that you can afford to give, but it's not appreciated. I don't like being a passed down gift; you buy something and you don't like it so give it someone else. I want to be liked and loved from the beginning till the end, you know appreciated with the existence of what I am and what I will be,” his smile then began to fade as he started to be in deep thoughts.

Thank you,” he said. “For doing this with me, it means a lot. Really,”
Thank you,” I said back. “For allowing me to do this with you”
The sky was getting brighter as the sun was getting higher up into the sky. The view was getting clearer and the harsh winds were getting calmer. We were silent by then.

What kind of a boy do you like? In general that is,” Bear asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

I don't know Bear. Really I don't. My life don't revolve around boys, only the princes inside the storybooks.”

Ah, the ones with the charming smile, ravishingly good looks, makes all the fair maidens weak to their knees. You're into those I see, not like the white trash sitting next to you” he looked away. I nudged him.

I sighed.

Probably someone like you, to be honest, you're the only boy I've gotten close with. I appreciate it. I like you Bear, I feel obligated to do new things with you. You make me feel alive Bear and I can't thank you enough.”

Bear looked at me, his eyes widened for the second time. “I like you too Polar Bear,” he said. Weirdly, I felt it. The distance between us was just a hair apart. His heartbeat was racing but the expression on his face was calmer than what was going on inside his chest.

Aren't you hungry?” I asked. I was famish, I couldn't recall what I ate last night. Actually, I ate nothing at the party. I've been fasting for hours now.

Bear exhaled. He looked down and lifted his shirt, I could see the scar from the stitches of the night. He patted his stomach.

Very,”

He got up and extended one hand. “Let's go and have burgers,”

In the early mornings?” I tilted my head.
Why not?” he grinned. I took hold of his hand.

And it was odd. I could still feel it. I felt the rapid beating from his chest to the palm of his hands. Bear pulled me up and took the jacket off my shoulders. He started to walk as he lead the way back to the car.

Bear,” I said.

He stopped his pace and turned around. “Yeah?”

Fries too?” I was embarrassed.

He chuckled as he looked down to the ground and then back up.

One thing for sure, I love it when a girl eats. Sure, burgers and fries. A big cup of juice for you and we'll share it,”

How about coffee instead?” I said.

Oh, being young and wild I assume?”

Like I said, you make me want to try new things” I shrugged.



Fifteen minutes later, we found a diner that wasn't pretty empty as it was 8 in morning. Ten minutes later, a lady in her mid-fortys gave a look of remorse as she placed two sets of double beef burgers with cheesy fries on the side in front of us. She then came later with a big hot cup of coffee and the pungent smell cut through all my nose hairs.

Bear lifted a brow, “You can always order your juice and give this back” he said. I took the cup and cupped it tightly as I lifted it to my nose to smell the fresh brew. I looked at Bear who was gazing at me. He hasn't touched his burger yet nor the fries. I lowered the cup to my mouth and placed the rim in between my lips. I slowly tilted the steaming brew and carefully took a cautious amount of sips. I let it glide around my mouth and then finally swallow it. I placed it down.

So, how is it?”

I pushed the cup towards him. He picked it up and took a sip. He placed it down and stared back at me. Then he looked away towards to one of the ladies that worked here. He lifted his hand.

Can we have one big cup of orange juice please; actually, make it two”.










Sunday, 25 December 2016

cout<<"Currently"<<endl;

Output: Currently

Four weeks in Semester 2 and it's starting to really sink in. It's not like semester 1 where the subjects are just the things you learnt in highschool on rewind. Or everyday walking to class there's that excitement to learn and meet your friends and laugh along with your lecturer. It's getting real. The subjects are tougher, your friends are busier, I am getting tired, eating has became a second choice, you can't think properly, the rational thinking has become a problem solving.

Maybe I haven't managed myself well enough as I thought I did.
Maybe I am just full of complaints and ungratefulness.

And I don't want to fall back to when I was 16.

I promised myself to become a better person spiritually and emotionally.

I am here to learn so that I can give back to my parents, give an establishment to my family that I am not the black sheep. Being able to pay for things and money will never be a problem because there's a whole lot of other problems that can be the cause of my insanity. I want to be loved and fall in love but not get caught up by lies and fantasies.

I've said this too many times that I'm getting sick of it.

I want to be happy.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

I Know You - Chapter 11




“I don't know,” I answered him. His eyes were still shut, but he heard me. “I don't know Bear, I don't know what I've been doing for the past weeks together”. The music inside was loud, but my heart was beating louder. It was like an orchestra, the suspense by every rhythm and the strumming of the violins. I felt him there on my shoulders, eyes shut tight, breathing softly like a child that was well fast asleep. All I knew, I wasn't sure what to say but I knew what my mind was pushing me to admit. But, there I am, a girl with her morality, a girl who knew very well where she stood wasn't going to let myself being played. He opened his eyes and got up, his head now off my shoulders. He turned to me, his feet pulled up and crossed, the swing wasn't big enough for him to do that. Now, what was he doing? I frowned, why was he now staring at me?

We were being young and wild, like any teenagers should” he said as he leaned against the swing, trying to find a comfortable position where he could get a better view of me.

“Not sure about the wild part, you're more of an out-of-control beast,” I said, sighing.
“Well, at least I'm young. Living the life,”
Hey, I live the life too”
“You, Bianca James, don't know the definition of living the life”

Ouch,”

“Yeah, well the truth hurts”

“Yeah, the truth does hurt” my tone was quiet, looking ahead what was in front of me; remembering the incident in my room. Bear understood. There it was, the moment of silence and I wished he was gone. I was tired of 'of being young and wild', I just wanted to live a life I used to know by.

“Can't you smile a little bit, it's a shame you look stunning but you're face is like sour milk” Bear kid.

“Excuse me?” who was he to tell me what to do with my face?

“I mean, I miss you, so I miss your smile too” Bear said as he palmed his chin. He smiled. I couldn't help it, I gave him one and then I pulled it away. He was staring too much.

“I wished you had smiled a little longer to know that I am slowly being forgiven.” I rolled my eyes, coughed at the cheesy remark.

“Why are you really here Bear?” I asked. He shrugged. Something caught my attention as I got a better look at him. I leaned forward, my eyes frowning as I touched his face.

“What happened?” I frowned, there was a scar on his forehead.
“Did something heroic” he said, as he took a drink from my cup. I shook my head as I placed my hand down. “You should stop with your list,” I said as I looked up into the night sky. “We got to to finish what we started” he said as he smirked.
“We?” I questioned as I lifted a brow.
“Yes, we” he smiled.
“No, there was never a we in this. You, sir, dragged me into this whole situation of yours” I threw my arms everywhere, exaggerating how messed up his situation was.

“And what's wrong with me wanting you to be a part of my situation?” Bear tilted his head.

I sighed. I shook my head, he doesn't get it.
“Because, Bear, I don't know you.”

And then he zoned out, looking down to the ground thinking of something.

“It's funny,” he smirked, “How the girl who's been staring at me through her windows claimed she don't know me” right then my face quickly shifted to his. I frowned, and slowly my face was flushed, “I, I um, I wasn't staring. Your curtains were never drawn. And, uh, my table is right opposite of your bedroom” my face was turning red, a shade of Mary Jo from Kylie's Lip Kits.

“So you enjoyed the view of me, just like I enjoyed my view of you” he smirked.
What?” my face shocked. Utter disbelief, my cheeks were from rosy pink to hot chili peppers. Suddenly he placed his hand on top of my head, caressing it as he hushed me.

“Don't worry, my view is just you hypnotized into those silly rectangular objects with long ass boring words on them. The rest of the time, your curtains are drawn. What a shame” he joked. I punched him.

I got up from the swing and pick up his cup that he threw earlier and handed it to him. He took it, as he looked up, his face brightened, “So, you accept my apology?” he asked. I shrugged, “depends, do I make your heart weak as I'm hypnotized into those silly rectangular objects with long butt boring words on them?” I lifted a brow, my arms folded.

He smiled, “very much, it does” and this time his face was blushed rosy pink. I rolled my eyes.

“Oh hey, Bianca?” we both turned behind and there was Aaron, with two cups in his hands. He handed one to me, “Sorry, I was called away for a while” Aaron said as he looked back to Bear. Bear stood up, ruffled his hair then slipped his hands into his pockets. “You came,” Aaron said as he sipped from his cup. I stood back, I could feel the cold tension in the air. “Sure I did, it's an open party after all” Bear shrugged. Aaron nodded, then he looked at me. “Let's go in, it's cold out here” he said, then I looked back at Bear, “Well, I don't want to be a spoil to this party. So I'll go” he said and he left. I watched him as he walked through the side of the house.

“Well,” Aaron said, “Now that's taken care of”
“Excuse me?” I tilted my head.
“Him, he's trouble Bianca” Aaron said as he took a last gulp from his drink.
You don't know that,”
“Look, Bianca. I don't want you near him.”
Excuse me?,” I said. “I'm sorry, but-” I shook my head, “I'm smart enough to choose my friends.” I walked away. And I could hear him calling after me. He stopped, it wasn't worth trying. He knew me well enough that I wasn't budging.
 Into the house, through the loud music, through the crowd, in between people dancing, passing by Amber, I reached the front door. And there he was, leaning against the door of his car. His arms folded, legs crossed, his eyes were focused on me, “that's the Bianca I know,” he smiled. I slowly walked up to him, every step, somewhat scared me. He was waiting for me, he stood up properly and then opened the car door. I stopped before entering.

“I forgive you Bear,” I said.
“And I trust you” I continued to say, he nodded. “Don't break that trust Bear” I said, my eyes wide, staring into him as he didn't dare to blink. I'm saying that I trust him but I was still unsure, my heart didn't completely placed trust in him and Bear knew, I was guarding my walls up despite it all.

“I promise, I won't” he said. I nodded and got into the car.

Ten minutes later, he stopped in front of our houses. I looked out, “Well, I had a uh, well, a wonderful night.” I said as I held onto the handle of the car door. Bear smiled, “It was lovely”.
I got out and so did he. “See you tomorrow I guess?” I asked as I shut the door tight. Bear laughed, “and who said we were going back home?” he said, as he leaned against his car. I tilted my head, and looked around at our neighborhood. “We're at our houses, aren't we?” I was questioning his intentions.

“Pack your stuff Bianca,” he said.
“What? Are we running away now?” I frowned.
“Oh no silly child, we have a list to be completed remember?” he then took out his list from his pocket and show it to me, the Grizzly Bear Final Adventure list. I chuckled. I totally had forgotten about it. He examined it again, “the next thing on the list requires you to pack your stuff”.

Now, at that point I was almost out of breath. I wasn't sure whether I should go with the flow since we're now on good terms or just skip ahead. I guess he saw me biting my lips, because I only do that when I'm worrying. “You trust me right?” his tone was soft, he walked up to me.

“You're a Polar to a Grizzly” he smiled. I nodded. I walked to the front door to go ahead and pack my stuff. My head was screaming WHAT THE HELL BIANCA HE MIGHT TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE TO THE UNKOWN AND YOU'LL REGRET IT, OH YOU WILL, BIANCA DON'T, but my guts were saying, live young and wild. And then he stopped me, “hey, hey, it's better if you don't go through there. We'll tell our parents once we reach there” his eyes widen.

“Then how am I suppose to pack my stuff?” and I saw the direction of his eyes pointing to the ladder that was leaning against the wall of his house.

Bear quietly took the ladder and leaned it against the window of my bedroom. I looked up and my heart started racing, “I uh, I'm not capable to climb up there” I started to panic as my fear of heights started to kick in. “Well, you did it before. Unless  then  you want me to pack your things instead? How many pairs of underwear does a girl need because I usually wear one for the whole week?” his face was innocent and I quickly decline. I told myself, convincing this was a part of the young and wild life I was going to face nevertheless. I climbed up the ladder as Bear assured that he'll hold onto it firmly. Slowly, my foot stepped on one ladder to another and I got to my bedroom window. I pushed up the window pane and step onto my table, God now it's dirty again. I quickly took a duffel bag and start filling them up with clothes, my inhaler, my glasses, an aid-kit because better be safe than sorry, and anything I might really need because I had no idea how much to pack or where Bear was going to take me to.

“Are you done?” I heard Bear shout from below. I looked around, and by the time I was assured I had everything I think I needed, I zipped up the duffel bag. I got onto the table once more, cringing as I got on, and lowered my body down out of the window as I stepped on the ladder. Slowly and steadily, one ladder after another, I climbed down to the bottom where a smiling boy was waiting.

“Are you ready?” his face lit up like the night we set fireworks at the teachers' house.
“I guess I am,” I tried to be confident. “Are you ready?” I looked at his empty hands, no bags whatsoever. He chuckled, “Baby, men like me can survive with just a single item covering the you-know-what-down-there and still can roam the wild freely, better yet, I can just go commando” he smirked.

“And when a piranha bites it off I hope one of the male grizzly bears come to mate you” I rolled my eyes and walked to his car, side by side.

“And let it be, a younger generation of Bear Brockman reproduced to help continue the legacy I once lived,”

“And what is that?” I lifted a brow.
“This,” he took out his list again and I shook my head, “for sure, their generation shall be doomed” I said. “Well, wouldn't that be nice for the generation after their generation to read about in the history books? Now, my lady, please get in and get ready to embark on the Grizzly Bear Final Adventure” he opened up the car door as he took hold onto my duffel bag. I got in, and he shut it. Quickly, he placed the duffel at the back seat and then got into the car. “And the adventure begins,” he said.

I saw his face; as he took his keys to start the engine, as he pulled down the hand break, as he started to drive. I saw how he felt genuinely happy to have me to be there, right next to him at the moment. I wondered how long he missed me, whether that commotion we had the weeks before took a toll on him. And I wondered what really went through his mind. And whether he really meant the words he said to me.

I knew I had described Bear Brockman to the extend where you can describe him by heart as well. It's not that messy hair or the weird humor that he tries effortlessly; but it's that tale behind how he got that inch scar across his left jawline or the secrets he hid behind those eyes of his. It was the excitement of being with Bear, the thrill of living on the edge; you know? That feeling when you're on a roller coaster; the anticipation you get as it slowly rides the slope; the rushing anxiety you get of being afraid of the upcoming down gradient but at the same time, you're excited. You're a kid again.

And that was how I felt at the moment. I was scared; but I loved the thrill of being scared.



15. ? ? ?















-

The reason I haven't been posting new chapters of I Know You was because I was stuck at this part of the story. I didn't know how to proceed and I wanted to call quits on this story. But I managed to write a decent chapter, it isn't my favourite chapter because the writing here sucks. But thankfully, I have this part out of the way.

Friday, 18 November 2016

Excerpt of an unfinished story : I Know You

Bear Brockman was not just a boy who fought against the rules; he was one. If I had to choose him over Aaron, I would, definitely. "I understand," he said. He looked over down to the ground, smiling as that was what he could do. "I'm not ready," I said, "to fall for a boy that could easily have his heart broken by a girl like me". He let go of a sigh, chuckling as he went.

 "And that is the thing," Bear said as he turned his attention back at me.
"You break the heart of boys without even giving them the chance to fall in love first". I look at him, his eyes, the ones I loved since the first time, they were twinkling. He smiled, "You're an unaware heart breaker Polar Bear and I love it".


*

Hey! I have a second blog, Mango Vomit, I write silly poems and small random thoughts of words that doesn't have any means to relate to me.

This is still my main blog, I'm still writing *wink* *wink*

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Through You - Chapter 1



I don't know why you hate your brown eyes.
I think they're lovely,
You don't know this, but when the sunlight reflects on them,
They glow up like a forest lit up in flames,
I can see my reflection in it,
By that I know, in your eyes,
I am yours.
And I am happy to be yours as long as I live now, and hereafter.

The lingering words played in my mind, and it had been on repeat for two weeks now. The four walls that surrounded me were echoing my thoughts, alongside by the dripping leaks from the ceiling above me. My fingers and toes were now in wrinkles, my body was now getting cold and the night didn't seem to end earlier as I wished it would have. I got up from the bath tub, my clothes drenched in the scent of rosewater. It was sickening, but I was tired of complaining. I knew mother was tired of listening to my complaints, well, she's been stronger than I had. Then the door of the bathroom slowly swung open and stood my mother with a towel in her hands.

Are you ready for dinner?” her voice was calm and collective, I nodded. I took one foot out of the bath, then another. She wrapped my body in the thick towel, absorbing all the sickening scent of rosewater out of my clothes, then she placed her hands gently, palming my face. I looked down, I knew she was trying to be strong for me as I was becoming weaker by the days.

You don't have to do this to yourself Cassie,” her eyes were filled with despair, my heart ached that I was hurting her by hurting myself.

Ethan loved rosewater,” I spoke my words but they weren't loud and clear. More like cracked and slurred. My mother nodded, “he wouldn't want you to be like this,” she touched the tip of my forehead.

He would still be alive,” I said, my chest was aching. I felt like a soul left my body like it left Ethan's.
Every night since the accident, I blamed the demons I was to him before it ended everything. I wished I could go back to that night, take back the words, not knowing they could be the last thing I said to him before he died. I wished everyday, that it was a dream. But dreams aren't always good ones, they're sometimes nightmares and for two weeks now I was living in one. The last words he said to me haunted me every night; how can I live knowing he loved me even when I was the worst to him? I didn't deserve anything that came from him, and reality took in when I can no longer see him stare into the eyes he loved dearly, the way I loved his gentle smile that was crooked at the edges.

I uh, I don't feel like eating tonight” I said, looking away, making my way out of the bathroom and into my room. My mother followed me from behind and stopped at the door of my room.

Cassie, the academic administration are asking when you will be back. They are aware of the situation you're going through and they're allowing your absence as a medical reason” my mother said, as she watched me dry my wet clothes.

I'll go back tomorrow,” I said with a lump in my throat as I dried my hair. I didn't want to burden her anymore.
Are you sure? You can stay for another week, they'll understand”

I nodded, “Ethan wouldn't want me to be like this, right?” I was tired, my body was fatigue and lethargic. My mother nodded, “Okay then, I'll inform them. I'll place your dinner in the fridge, if you get hungry you can microwave it.” My mother then walked into my room towards me, she kissed my forehead. “It hurts seeing you like this,” her eyes were sullen. I looked at the my mothers' face and I knew that she wasn't having her sleep. I knew that for the past fourteen days her nights were restless, afraid that I would do the unimaginable, constantly checking on me that I haven't bathed myself in a puddle of blood.
I can see that her wrinkles were getting more defined by the days, and that her eyes were filled with constant fear, and her heart was trying its best to stay controlled. I wished I could be that for her, but at the moment I was being selfish by giving her pain from the pain I was living through. I couldn't do that anymore, I didn't want to hurt another soul after I hurt Ethan.

I smiled, the first smile of the week. I was trying to be the one who consoled.

I'll be fine,” I said in my best fake voice I could ever give. My mother smiled, but a mother's instincts knew when her child was lying to her. She leaned in and gave me another kiss on the forehead, then left me alone in my room, leaving the door slightly open just in case.

I lay down on the pillows that I once shared with him. Where my mother knew he was in my room, she trusted me. We talked about things that were irrelevant, and we stared at the ceiling fan when we were tired of talking. The next day I woke up to him making me and my mother breakfast, she loved him dearly like a mother, as much I loved him dearly as a significant other.

My clothes weren't fully dry, but it didn't bother me as much. I wasn't that bothered to change into dryer clothes either. I just wanted to lay down, stare at the ceiling fan like we used to do. I can hear his voice, chanting how much he loved my eyes when I hated them. The promised he made to me, and I knew he meant it.
And my eyes were getting dizzy following the rotation of the fan, his voice was getting lost in the darkness of my mind, and I'm trying to ensure that tomorrow everything will work out okay. That this Cassie was going to be fine, at least act fine. Untie herself from the hurt and move on. It's time to learn that it wasn't my fault,
well that was what my mother said.
But at the same time I wished my phone was ringing, and I see his name popping up on the screen. I'd pick it up, and I'd hear his voice, his real voice, calling me to ask me whether I am alright, and whether I had eaten, wished me a good night's sleep and tells me that he can't wait to see me the next morning. Because that would be nice. Just this once, let me see that smile of his because I didn't appreciated it as much before. I wished I would stop being like this, 'he wouldn't want to see you like this', I wished I was ready to let go. And I really wished I would stop crying silent tears because the next morning I'll end up waking up to a damp pillow.

I wasn't wrong, my pillow were wet and my eyes stung, at least my clothes were dry. I looked at the time on my phone, it was 9 in the morning. I sat up straight and I could see a suitcase ready to go by the door of my room. I wondered when my mother walked in to pack my clothes for me. I walked out from my room and I smelled waffles. She was making my favorite breakfast in the morning. I walked to the small dinning table for two and a plate of stacked waffles were already on it.

You looked better today,” my mother smiled to me as she placed a hot cup of freshly brewed tea next to the my plate. She was lying, I looked like shit, my eyes were puffy and red. She knew I had my fourth midnight tears of the week. I sat down at my seat, pulled in the plate closer to me and my stomach was rumbling like a grizzly bear that had been starving in the wild. Well, I didn't eat last night. Of course I was famished. I picked up the fork and dug in. And by then my mother was really smiling, the sight of me eating soothed her. “Thanks,” I stopped eating to say that and then continued eating back the remains of the waffles. She didn't asked why I was thanking her, like I said, she knew what I meant.

Four hours later, I was dressed into fresher clothes.

My hair was combed neatly, flowing over my chest.

My face was covered in minimal makeup.

My body no longer reeked the scent of rose water.

I looked better than I ever did for the past two weeks.

I closed my eyes, and sighed. You'll be fine Cassie.

Two hours later, we arrived at the front entrance of my university.

Fifteen minutes later, I was in front of my dorm room. The music was blasting loud from the inside, the modern pop songs that you'd usually hear on the radio, the same songs that kept playing and you'd eventually get tired of the new stuffs so you change to another channel. I breathe in, took out the keys from my pocket and unlocked the door. I opened it and I could see my bed, nicely kept and placed orderly. Two pillows stacked on top of each other and a small teddy bear that was worn out, placed against it. My desk, that was on the right side was empty except for the text books that I had been given hand down by the seniors. It wasn't dusty, so that means Ava had been dusting my table from time to time while I was gone for the couple of weeks. Next to the desk, was Ava at her own. She was wearing her Beats headphone around her neck as she banged her head to the rhythm of the pop music whilst studying. I dragged in my suitcase, and by then Ava turned around.

“Oh my God, Cassie?” her round eyes widen by the sight of my existence in the room. She quickly paused the music and got up from her seat, quickly walking up to me.

“You didn't tell me you're coming back today. Are you, uh , doing better?” she took my hands of my suitcase and held them, patiently waiting fro my answer. I nodded.

“I uh, I'm fine. I'm...” I shook my head, trying my best not to get into an emotional wreck, “...I'm doing much better, thank you” I cleared my voice. Ava stared blankly at me, and then her face expression somewhat sympathized for me. “Well,” her voice was gentle. She leaned in and gave me a hug, “I'm very glad you're back. I missed my roomie” she said enthusiastically, trying to brightened up the mood. I smiled and hugged her back,

“I miss you too,” and we let go of each other.

“Gosh, Cassie, look how skinny you got yourself into” she touched my used to be plump face that had gone sharp and narrow.

“Now, that won't do. Either we're both fat or skinny, not one and another. So tonight, I'll bring you out to a new place that just opened up near off-campus and the food there is amazing. Everybody goes there, and I want to bring you there,” she smiled with two full moons on her face and her eyes became smaller as thy are interfered by those rosy cheeks; something about Ava I envied. I smiled, trying to loosen up, “I'm all yours” I said. Ava squealed and hugged my tighter.

Great, I'm excited! Now, I'll help you unpack”.


After Ava helped unpacked my luggage, she continued to study while I took a walk around the campus. I only left this place for two weeks and it felt like I was gone forever. I saw how they refurnished the library, there was a new mini mart beside the library and across it was the Hang Out, a vast land of grass were students just gather around to do whatever they wished, and I saw that they planted new flowers that brightened up the place. I walked to the Hang Out, there were a few students doing group studies, some were alone doing their own business, couples just chilling underneath the trees and there was me, awkwardly trying to find an empty bench so there wouldn't be a need to interact with anybody. I found one empty bench that outlooked at the university's pond, and around it was a track path were students jog around usually. It was quiet, peaceful and great place for me to exhale out more negative thoughts. I sat on the bench, admiring the view that had few ducks swimming and wadding around.

I looked to my left, a bench that was occupied by a girl reading comics and I remembered the first time I saw Ethan, a saw him on that particular bench reading onto the the thickest physics textbook I've ever witnessed in my entire lifetime. And days went by where I'd see him a the library, or at the hallway after my lectures and the textbook he was reading was slowly coming to an end. I would laugh to myself, what a nerd, I'd say, but only I noticed him then, only I knew he'd read a textbook until the end.

At the mist of me reminiscing, I heard a sudden crash from my right and ducks were flapping their wings every where; going ballistic.There, lay a boy on the ground that had fallen from his bike, his face was filled with agony as he held onto his knee. I ran up to him, his eyes shut tight as he frowned with pain.

Uh are you, okay?” I bent down, not knowing what to do. He grunted, then he started to get up.

Yeah, I'm fine” he waved his hand at me as he picked up his bike.

You don't look fine,” I said, I looked down to his trousers that were ripped on the left knee. Blood was flowing out and he said he was fine.

I'm doing great,” he said still grunting as he scraped the dirt off his trousers with one hand as the other held onto his bike.

Well, if you'd to fell into the pond, you'd be feeling swimmin'” I said sarcastically.

Are you joking right now?” he looked up at me, his facial expression dead and unamused.

No, I never joke about feelings” my expression was as dead and unamused as his.

Well, I really appreciated that” his eyes were blunt and I wondered why did I even bother coming up to him. “Now, I'd like to get going. Thank you for your heroic rescue” he raised his eyebrows and started to get back on his bike.

Wow,” I said with awe, “you're an asshole” I continued to say. I folded my arms, looking at him as he managed to get back on his bike. He snorted, “If I had a dime for every time someones calls me an asshole, I get two dimes” he leaned against the handle bar smirking at me. “Oh yeah? Where did you get your first dime?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

My mother,” he said. “And if my mother says I'm an asshole, I guess I really am. Because you know, mothers are always right. You just verified it. So thank you fellow pedestrian, you helped me fully acknowledge something I wasn't sure of its validity” his presidential speech was filled with insincerity and mockery to my face. I rolled my eyes, and walked away.

Hey, is that how are we going to bid our goodbyes?” he shouted from behind.

I turned around, “there wasn't even a proper introduction” I spoke with my eyes deader than the Great Barrier reef.

Well then,” he leaned up from his bike, smiling as he ran his hand through his long shaggy hair.

Timothy Levi, a mathematics major” he extended one hand out. I stared at it, and I stared at him. He was kidding right? A guy with a hair length down to his shoulders, a body that clearly being carefully built by the gym, a face of someone probably being kissed by many chasing girls, apparently a verified asshole was shockingly a mathematics major.

Come on, don't leave me hanging” he said as he shook his hand, indicating for me to make interaction with it. He then placed his hand away and sighed. “Well, there goes our introduction” he said.

Now, for the best part” I smiled with glee. “Goodbye,” I said and walked away from the pond, not wanting any more unnecessary communication with someone I'd have a very little percentage of ever seeing again around the campus. I walked my way through the Hang Out, and as I was about to step foot into shelter, Timothy Levi came in, halting his bike in front of me. My heart was racing as I was startled by the sudden appearance of someone I thought was going to be my last encounter. Apparently, that wasn't the case anymore.

Hey,” he said, his tone was different than before. The remorse kind of tone.

What is it?” I sighed.

I'm sorry, you were just being kind. I was being a jerk talking to you like that,” I saw the change of facial expression on him. He suddenly got off his bike and leaned it against the ground. He wiped his hands, and then extended one out again.

I looked at it, the hand that looked very lonely, hanging a meter above the ground.
“I introduced myself wrongly. Allow me to start again” he said. He started to inhale.

“Timothy Levi; an asshole major, a mathematics minor” he exhaled.

I was hesitant to answer back, to shake his hand that was still being extended. He looked at me, he was being patient.

Cassie Arthur; a mathematics major” I shook his hands, and there I saw the shock in his eyes. Then the shock turned to a smirk. Quickly, I let go of his hand.

So,” his voice was high-pitched, “you're my missing in action assignment partner” he smiled.

I guess, by then, Timothy Levi saw the shock in my eyes instead. And I swore to God, I will never be absent for two weeks ever again.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Semester 1, done.



Assalamualaikum and hai,

Like, I know, I've been gone for a couple of months like hey, I told you, the wifi there sucks. If it was hella fast I'd be blogging ever single day until your eyes burn from reading all the stupid things I post here. But hey, my blog, I can write whatever I want, right? Right.

So, news for you all, I just completed my semester 1 at UiTM Perlis and ahhhh so much as been happening in those 5 months. SO MANY STORIES TO TELL. Let me get this straight, matriculation, form six and uni is a whole lot different thing. We go through different pace in our academics, have different time schedules and have different environments but one thing for sure, we're all going through the same stage in life. So, by the title above, I'm going to share the tale off how I lived through my first ever semester out of five that is yet to come.

I've never been to boarding school (well, three months but it doesn't count), and I've gotten myself prepared ahead to be a university student by blog reading, online research (fancy huh), asking my seniors and overall having an open mind about it. Most form five students don't know where to go after SPM, unlike me, I've already set my tone to where I want to go and what I want to do. It's all in a rough sketch but overall I achieved what I wanted. I told myself in form four that I'd be going for diploma, but at that time it was Diploma in English/ Journalism but then as I go through form five I realized how english is fairly very boring and I'd like to pursue in culinary. But yet, my results weren't as bad and it's a waste to demolish a not-bad results to take on culinary so I decided take Diploma in Mathematical Sciences. Not, I'd bet some will go ooooh what a nerd, but no, the people I've seen in my batch that had taken this course looks nothing stereotypical to someone who enjoys maths. Well, some chose this as their first choice (like I did) while others got this as their second or third choice. But in the end, we all start from the bottom, it's how you rise to the top.  I guess when you make a choice fully based on your own decision without your parents choosing it for you, you'll feel that satisfaction that you're in a path that you yourself chose and there's no one out there you have to please except yourself. So, kids, choose a course you're truly passionate about, not on a 50-50 scale, and if you didn't get what you want, then it's okay, have a open mind and everything will go by ease.

Like I said, I've never really fully been in a boarding school or been away from my family without feeling worried ever and I had these worries before going into uni about how I'd cope myself. The things that happened to me in highschool haunts me and I was determine it would never happen again when I'll be in uni. I went there, had an open heart, an open mind, changed my attitude, changed parts of me that were negative and had these goals, and rules I set to myself since I had no one else to look after me but myself. From the girl who would volunteer to just be a narrator at any given role play in highschool started acting all these random roles in uni. Before this I was pretty, well, too open, like I'd didn't mind who I'd talk to or who I'm being with as long I was in good shape but somehow, in uni, for me, there are certain things I feel uncomfortable like walking next to guy or doing things alone with guys. It feels so improper especially when my parents aren't here. I'd make sure I'd had company by my roommate, or I'd let them know and have their opinion. I don't know, I feel so selective when it comes to the opposite gender. It's not like I don't like them near me, it's just I want to keep my safety since I'm on my own. But, gosh I love all the girls in my class, and the seniors I've befriended and the other girls from other courses. They're so nice, and I feel loved, it's a family where we all have each other's back. Like yeah I can be okay-friends with the boys there, but you know, being best friends i don't know, I'm not that interested, it's traumatizing after the events that happened in highschool.

I think I slept more in uni than I did in highschool, mainly because I have nothing to do. I'm so bored that legit go and exercise around the college so that my mind won't go crazy out of boredom. Studying isn't something I do often, like well, I just study when I have a whole lot to do at once. I'm not bothered to study when I have nothing to do. It's like while my momentum of doing my tutorials, assignments, is still on, why not study at the same time? I'd never go, oh well, I have nothing to do, let's study. NO. I don't really lack behind because I'd pay attention in class and ask the lecturers on the things I don't understand. It's called balancing. In this semester, I've had things happening that I'd thought I'd never do like kawad kaki, role playing, being complemented by the lecturer to how I can become a news reporter, gotten harassed by a guy that I never spoke to and somehow he tried making it up by being nice all the sudden, gotten shout at by the workers at the KTM place both at Arau and Alor Setar, walked around Aman Central three times trying to find a non-existing karaoke place, constantly being named out by En Raja because I kept using the calculator to find the x value instead of using the 'real mathematicians' method, playing sword fight using hangers with my roommate, eating burgers and ice-cream almost every single night, tripped and fallen flat right infront of cengal 1 at same spot two days in a row, and so many more.

I've also gotten myself to be part of an organization in the college and it's a good sense of responsibility and discipline that I know will shape me to someone better. I've also learned a few words from Kelantan and Terengganu, I'm not that good, well I suck at it but at least it's a good laugh to those who hear me speak. I actually lost 5 kilos from doing nothing but sleeping, walking to class, and eating burgers almost every night. It's not easy to loose weight in uni when the food choices are restricted. I like my vegetables but I'm not going to eat  terung sambal every single day. Going into class is fun, I love it. I love the lecturers, I love my classmates, both from group A and group B. I love the syllabus we learnt for this semester, except for CTU it's a bore. The final examination wasn't half bad, i think when you're in uni you learn how to learn and study independently without the help of teachers or tuition. It shows how we've grown and how our minds have matured. My carry marks are all good, I'm very grateful to Allah, my friends, my lecturers for helping me through the learning process. And it amazes me how I can learn without the need extra hand except your friends and the notes you got plus a guidance from your lecturer. KEY: ALWAYS SEEK GUIDANCE FROM YOUR LECTURER EVEN IF ITS A STUPID QUESTION. No questions are stupid, you just don't fully understand it that's all.

Overall, I loved this semester. Yes, there were their ups and downs, but mainly ups and I've never been the happiest. I've gotten myself new good habits which I'm proud off, I've gotten rid of bad ones, not all but some. Made friends that I know will have my back and the best thing of all, I haven't once got to a low moment that would break me. It's true what they say, university life is the best part of your life you'd ever have, high school is okay and all but nothing beats the life of a uni kid unless you yourself experience it. And I hope my next four semesters go as smoothly and better like this first semester.

I guess that's all, it's just my second day of sem break and I wish I'd be in semester 2 right now because the environment there makes me that happy.

Bye x

Friday, 9 September 2016

the best of me

Assalamualaikum and hello,

I've been gone for sooo many months and I can't update at UiTM because their wifi sucks. There will be days in my room at the college I'd be sitting at the table, staring at this laptop screen thinking of new stories, things to write but what's left is an empty page.

I have been busy with uni, and it's great. And I love every single moment I've been there and I wished this semester could last a little longer because once this semester ends, another semester down left of pure happiness.

I truly believe, university life are one of the best parts of life you can ever have. And I am happy, and everybody around me are great and I love them to pieces. I think, here, I have found the best part of me, and it shows. It shows. I knew, that good days were waiting for me, after all the hell I went through for the past seventeen years.

For those out there, still in high school, hating every moment with all the bullshit coming at you, be patient, we go through pain first before we get the ease. Because if life was always easy, we'll never grow up.

I wish I could hug you right now, because this is the longest time I haven't cried on something not worth my time.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

I Know You - Chapter 10




There, in front of me were arrays of clothing that I personally in a million years would never, ever, choose upon to purchase and wear. Between every pink dresses and floral shorts was Amber going through each item, picking out what attracted her eyes, pulling the fabric closer in between her freshly manicured nails and then looking at the price tag. “Bianca, this will look fabulous on you” she said as she pulled out a pink short dress that had floral designs on the bottom half. I slanted my head, staring at the so called clothing that was made to make me look fabulous. “Like, is everyone dressing up to the party?” I asked as I took hold on the dress, placing it against me and looking at myself in the mirror, nope too girly.

Well,” Amber mumbled as she went through another rack besides the dresses.
“Since it's Kelly Hicks party, you do want to look your best. Common, Kelly Hicks, she has a standard and we got to play by her standards” then Amber pulled out a black chic jumpsuit and placed it against her, “what do you think?” she asked.

Don't you not have one already?” I said as I placed the pink dress back on the rack.
“No, the other one is denim, this one is satin like texture, but since the party is at night probably not the best choice. Hmm, maybe something flashier” Amber placed the jumpsuit back to its original place, her back was facing me, busy going through the rack and then she mumbled “Bianca, go ahead and search for something cute at the other side of the store”. I nodded, though I knew she wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I nodded, I went ahead and walked around the store.

Everything here seemed to have its standards, like the clothing were only for specific wearers and I knew I didn't fit the category. It was either an okay price or just too expensive to be worn for just one time. Looking around, I could see faces of girls that spent more money on makeup than their education fees. There I was, in a plain red t-shirt and gray sweatpants, hair tied into a messy bun and eye bags behind my glasses, surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people; feeling not the slightest bit cautious on how I looked because I felt comfortable in my skin. Then I looked over to Amber; her head was still buried into the racks and I'm afraid she will end up stumbling into the racks of clothes and her body wouldn't ever be found. Well, at least I don't need to go to the party tonight and have my extra hours of studying Algebra.

I went to a section, a section that was fully dedicated to hats and I looked around me, making sure no one was aware to what I was about to do. I picked up one hat, a nice big hat that had a silk ribbon around it and I placed it on my head. I looked at myself in the mirror, felt something was odd and then I decided to put of my glasses, just to see how different I looked. I see myself, feeling oddly like Kate Middleton. I slant my head, gosh Bianca don't you look classy. My heart gave a little giggle, at least I found something to make use of time while waiting for Amber to come back from her scavengers hunt.

Damn you're beautiful,” a voice spoke behind me and my body startled. I turned around, and I sighed out. “What are you doing here?” I asked as I quickly pulled off the hat from my head, back on the rack and then placed my glasses back on. Aaron shrugged, “accompanying my mother to shop, how about you?”

Accompanying Amber,” I said,
on what?” he asked,
to shop,” I replied,
for what?” he asked more, God he's annoying.
for none of your business” I said sharply. Aaron nodded, “want to go for ice-cream while waiting for them?” he asked. I shrugged and looked over to Amber, hoping that she'll notice my emergency cries.

“Oh come on, it'll take an hour before they find the right dress” Aaron said, and before I could decline, he grabbed onto my hand to follow him out from the store. Before I knew it, it was as if he was kidnapping me. Deep inside, I prayed he wasn't plotting a revenge on me after nights of rejections.

He held onto my hand tightly, and it bothered me the fact that he didn't felt bothered by my hands that were sweating vigorously like a sloppy pig. We reached to Baskin-Robbins, and he finally let go of my hand, told me to sit down whilst he go and grab ice-cream for the both of us. I slumped down on the chair, slightly annoyed and slightly looking forward to what flavor he was about to get me. I looked at the store where Amber was in, I could see the insides and I could see that Amber was still busy looking at the clothes. I looked down at my watch, 6.00 pm, within another three hours I probably be at a place where I'd regret for the next breathing years.

“Here you go,” Aaron sat down in front of me as he slid a pink cup towards me. I looked at it, it was pistachio, my favorite. I looked at him, and I tried to search for another pink cup.
“What? We're sharing?” I questioned as I scooped a decent amount and shamelessly ate the delicious nutty green ice-cream. Aaron shook his head, then allowed both hands to support his head as he watched me scoop more and ate. I stopped after three scoops and pushed the pink cup towards him, “here you paid, eat some” I said. He pushed it back to me, and I, knew for sure that I wasn't dragged here to play some sort of flirtation game.
I want to watch you eat” he said, I was taken aback. “Look Aaron, you're a creep” I blurted it out as I took hold of the pink cup since he didn't want none of it. Suits him.
No,” he said and sighed, “just in love” he continued. I sighed inside, but I couldn't help it so I sighed out loud.

Aaron, I told you -”
Yeah I know, I know. Can't a guy not appreciate a girl he has to fight for?”
And what on mother nature is that even suppose to mean?”
Just a statement Bianca,”
Look Aaron, you look so much better now, that hair, you're a handsome guy, can't you not go chase a prettier girl?”
No,” he said.
No?” I leaned in, frowning.
I don't chase, I fight. I'm fighting for you”
God sake's Aaron” I put the empty pink cup down, “freaking fight for me for what? What kind of competition are you in?”
Jeremy,” he said. I choked. “Bear?” I lifted an eyebrow. “What does he have to do in all of this?”

Before Aaron could explained, Amber came up to me. I looked at her, she was holding two bags, and I dead knew she bought something for me, I was horrified.

Oh hey Aaron” Amber said,
Hey, what are you shopping for?” he asked and before I could stop her from telling, before I could do some telepathy stunt, before I could do voodoo on her, she said it, “Kelly Hicks Party, we're going tonight. You're going right?” Amber sat down in between us. Aaron lifted a brow at me, then he looked back to Amber, “definitely” he said. Seconds later, his mother came out from the store. Aaron pushed his chair back and got up, “I guess, I'll see you tonight Bianca” he smiled and walked away.
My whole body shivered. Goosebumps rosed from every inch of my arms, fine hairs stood up stiff. I felt nausea, I want ed to throw up all the green cream bought by the guy that made me feel most uncomfortable than any other person.
Wow he's dead ass into you” Amber blurted out once Aaron left the table. I had a sudden migraine, “I think I'm going to be sick,” I said as I touch my forehead.
Now you little peace of turd, you promised. The party is in two hours”
So?” I said bluntly,
So?” Amber repeated it like I was saying something stupid, I guessed I did. Because as soon as I said so we were back at Amber's place, getting ready for the party.

Here,” Amber gave me a shopping bag, I knew the contents.
Wear that and I'll do your make up after” Amber said as she sat down in front of her vanity table. I took the bag into the bathroom, I was honestly shaking. I didn't want to let down Amber by making a fuss because we already had a petty fight on me not wanting to go to this stupid party. I opened the bag, I didn't look in but instead I closed my eyes and put my hands in there, slowly pulling out what felt like a single item of clothing, please please not something slutty oh God. I lifted it up and slowly I opened my eyes. I don't know what to feel of it. I wore it, got out of the bathroom, adjusting it along the way and stood there behind Amber who was applying mascara.

I felt very insecure.

Amber who saw me from the mirror, turned around. She stared at me and kept quiet.

What? I look stupid right? Gosh, I'm a prostitute in this” I freaked out as I pulled down the white lace dress believing it would actually stretch it's length.
Gosh Bianca,” Amber got up and walked up to me.
“Why do you abuse yourself so much by wearing all those rags? You look freaking amazing, God I'm so proud!” Amber hugged me, and I was shockingly surprised.

Bianca, you're a princess in this already. But...let me work my magic and turn you into a Greek goddess” Amber pulled my arm and sat me down at her vanity table. She started pulling out all kinds of makeup from the thick creams to a color fiesta. She pulled my hair back and tied it into a pony tail. Finally it was all done, and she turned me around. She examined me, like there was something wrong to her artwork. Then she pulled off my glasses, and gave me my lens that I kept in my bag, telling me to wear it on. “Bianca...” she sighed,

What? I knew it... I knew it, I'm a pimp” I blurted.
Bianca, shut up and love yourself more. You look fabulous”


*


I sat down on the passengers seat whilst Amber drove to Kelly Hick's house. I don't know why I felt nervous, why my hands were getting sweaty, why my heart was beating fast. Honestly, I've never been to a party before, my life revolved around books and good grades. Mom and Dad both gave me the green flag, they didn't even set a curfew time, they were like “we trust you to take care of yourself and have fun Bianca. Not too much fun, but have a good time sweetie”. My legs were shaking badly and I guessed Amber noticed so she took my hands whilst driving with one hand. “Don't worry, you'll be fine”. We finally arrived at the avenue and Amber parked two houses away.

We gotten out of the car and I could see many kids from my school walking up to the house that was like a sore thumb in a row of houses. Everybody dressed up to impress, everybody looked gorgeous.
We followed were the rest were going, then somebody called Amber from behind. We turned around and who else was it to be but Aaron. He jogged up to us. He wore a casual black buttoned-down shirt and blue tight jeans. His bangs that became a quiff that day was combed down covering his forehead.

Hey Amber, Bianca isn't with you?” then he turned his eyes at me, he sighed, then rubbed his temples. “Bianca, you're killing me” he pounded his chest with a fist. I turned around, “Thank God, call the cops and sentence me to life in prison without parole”.

We were at the doors of the house and I could see the contents of what was to be my first party. Lights were changing colors, people walking in and out, laughter broke out.
Amber walked in first, then I did, followed suit by Aaron. Kelly Hicks was at the door and she greeted us, “Have fun guys, the food is over there, drinks over at that side, knock and break something, pay double of it's original price. And I'm not kidding” and she was gone. Amber turned to me, she smiled, and as the music in the house was getting louder, people started filling in, Amber said she wanted to go meet some of her other friends, leaned in and whispered “if any emergency text me” and she left me with Aaron.

He placed his arm around my shoulders, “hungry?” he asked. I pushed his arm off, “no thank you” and looked around. Unbelievably, half of the people here I barely recognize. There were faces that I knew by heart and there were faces that made me second guess their actual existences. The music then changed to an up beat song, people started dancing, and Aaron turned around, took one hand out.

Please, may I have just one dance with the prettiest girl tonight?” and this time he said it nicely, like he had given up. I gave in, slowly feeling unsure, placed one hand on his. He pulled me gently in and we danced. How awkward it was, I started easing up. Despite how wild everybody was around us, nobody took noticed of what lousy dancers we were. Aaron broke out laughing, “you're pretty good. Are you sure you only lived by books?” he said as he swung his hands in the air. “I think I read about dancing somewhere,” I told him, “well, you're a natural” Aaron smiled. And I felt somewhat at ease. This was the Aaron I hadn't seen. Not the anxious creep always on my trail, but out going and relaxed Aaron. The music changed, and we stopped dancing. Aaron panted, “I'll go and get us drinks. What would you want?” he asked.

Anything is fine, none alcoholic that is” I answered and Aaron nodded, left me in a sea of people. What supposedly to be a two minute grab, seemed to be taking forever. The music was getting louder and louder, I couldn't find Amber anywhere and I felt a rush of anxiety all of the sudden. I looked around to see where was Aaron and he was missing in action as well. I walked around, reached to an area that looked too grand to be a kitchen, found a door that lead me outside to a backyard of Kelly Hick's house.

Nobody was there but me, everybody seemed only to stayed inside. I looked around, who knows, maybe there was a lurking breathing soul, but yet again, everyone was talking and having fun with everyone besides me inside. Ten yards away was a long swing attached to a branch of a tree overlooking a flower garden. I sat down gently making sure it supported my weight.

I sighed out. Somehow all the loud music from the inside was blocked from my ears and was replaced by the sounds of a gentle breeze and an acapella of crickets. Moments later, somebody sat besides me and handed me a cup, “What took you so long?” I said and turned around to him. I froze.

I wasn't sure when to apologize” Bear said as he took a sip from his cup. I looked down at my cup, it was juice.
Uhm, how uh, how have you been Bear?” I cleared my throat, looking back up to him, noticing bruises under his eyes, torn lips, and whenever the breeze swept his hair aside, I could see purple marks on his forehead. His hair was messy like always, wore a black jacket over a gray shirt and ripped jeans. Definitely not the standards of Kelly Hicks.
Like shit. You?” he asked, looking at me in the eyes, those eyes.
“The usual, I guess” I said. Bear nodded and took another gulp of his drink, emptying his cup. He then scrunch it like scrap and threw it at the bed of flowers.
Hey,” I whispered, looking behind us whether there were people staring. For sure, no one was.

Sometimes a pretty situation turns ugly, quickly, and it's hard to make it back to normal unless I, go and pick up the cup” he said. I knew he was referring to that evening.

Bear leaned in, placing his head on my shoulder. I froze. He sighed.

I miss you Bianca,” he said softly.

I miss you, every, single, day for the past three weeks”

He paused for a moment,

I miss you Polar Bear, please forgive me” he continued to speak in the most fragile voice that I deeply, very much missed too.